Notes on Making Waves When You Make Change
Change is ALWAYS possible. ALWAYS. But no one said it was ever easy. In fact, in can be one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. That’s just human nature. However, if you’re anything like me, change feels even more impossible when you were raised in a family with completely different values and beliefs as you do. Trying to break free from belief systems that you were raised with, and often indoctrinated with, are no easy feat to just shake off. For me, it felt like those beliefs and values were so deeply rooted that it was like they were encoded in my DNA, much like genes you were born with.
I was raised in a very conservative home. I love my parents dearly, and they raised me, loved me, provided me with a safe home and an education and did all the things they thought good parents were supposed to do. And they were good parents, let me state that for the record (Mom and Dad if you ever read this, you are!). However, those qualities are just one part of the parental puzzle. The thing about parents is that 1. You don’t get to pick them and 2. They raise you based off their own unique perspectives, world views, experiences etc. I remember always being so fascinated even as a child how my best friend down the street living in a small town could have such wildly different parents. It’s truly amazing to think of the complexities and nuances that our parents can instill upon us.
So my parents as I mentioned before upheld very conservative values, both politically and morally. They value hard work, saving money, raising a family, being responsible, following the rules etc. Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with those values, in fact, most people would agree that those are great tenants to uphold in adulthood. However, with those values came others --
hard work = enjoying your job is irrelevant. But it doesn’t matter if you enjoy your job because work is work. That’s why they call it work.
Saving money = to the point of frugality. We bought things because they were “cheap” and didn’t buy things because they were “expensive.” These were two key words I heard thrown around on a daily basis. Which taught me the scarcity mindset that I often still feel is ingrained in me.
Saving money also = enjoyment is secondary. I never remembered my parents going away together when we were growing up, doing date nights, or spending money for the sake of doing something enjoyable.
Raising a family = The soul purpose for life. My parents valued time raising their children over anything else. Which is great! For them. Because that was aligned with their innate values. However that left zero time for my parents to have time as a couple or have individual lives where they could develop their interests, hobbies, purpose, etc. And also what does this say for people who can’t or choose not to have children?
Again, this is not meant to bash my parents, but just to point out how their personal values played a part in how I was raised. Even when I was younger I remember how I tried to formulate my own values and opinions (did this resonate with me? Or was this all I was taught?) and it was actually difficult. My parents told me XYZ. So XYZ must be the right answer/thing to do because they are my parents, they want the best from me, and they know more than me. Right? WRONG!
Their values are their values. And it wasn’t until I left the house and started college (and being around people from such different backgrounds and walks of life) that I started to slowly realize that my parents XYZ way of doing things, was only 1 way things could be done. However, there are endless other options, opinions, paths, and values I could choose as my own. What a novel concept that was for me!
Fast forward about 15 years later, now I’m a grown adult who has her own life experiences under her belt, her own value system that she holds true and sacred, and my own vision of the kind of life I want to live. This is no better or worse than the vision my parents have of their own lives. Yet, the changes and shifts in my own life have made them uncomfortable. Why? Well I can’t speak for them but I can speculate. I’ve chosen to live a life on my terms, and what I deem important. My values are not aligned with theirs. And THAT’S OKAY. At 35 years old, I actually still have to remind myself that.
What do I value for my life? The desire to have a career that I am passionate about -- as I believe feeling passionate is a sign you’re on the right track or that you’ve “found your lane.” I value experiences, and travel, beauty, and making genuine connections with other people. None of these are high on my parents list, and again, that’s ok. I value creativity, passion, curiosity, adventure, freedom, flexibility and helping others -- and if that makes my life unconventional or deems me “not a real adult” in my parents' eyes, than so be it.
Because yes, my changes and shifts in the last few years have made them uncomfortable. My choices are not the ones they would have made. They would have stuck out toxic jobs. They may have gotten married, stayed in a relationship that wasn’t healthy for them. Maybe had some kids? Because sometimes kids create the glue or the nucleus that holds people together and gives them purpose. Not for everyone, but for some. And again, none of these choices are wrong. They seemed to work well for my parents. They are content with their lives, and that’s amazing. But I know that life and path I was on wouldn’t have been enough for me. My soul would constantly be seeking more. So I’ve finally allowed myself to follow the things that I do value, that do light me, and start creating a life that is authentic to me.
So this is a really long winded way of reminding you that your changes will affect other people. Positively or negatively, your shifts will create a ripple effect, much like tossing a small stone into a calm pond. You may be met with some pushback, resentment or even harsh criticism. And that’s ok. Just don’t let that deter you from your goals. Don’t take them personally. These are your dreams. Your life. You are the only one who actually has to LIVE your life, so make sure it’s something good with your soul.
In times like this, when I continue to get pushback and harsh criticism from my father for a number of my life choices he doesn’t agree with (leaving toxic jobs, spending my savings on travel, not being married and having children yet, not being settled, not stashing my money away for a house I don’t need right now but rather spending it on experiences and enjoyment in my life...and the list could go on…) I’ve realized one thing. The more I lean in to my truth, the more I don’t need anyone’s approval.
— Steph xx